Being There

With age comes wisdom. Whoever said that was being polite. With age comes the knowledge that there is a whole lot more to learn and less time to grasp it. It is a matter of figuring out who to ask the right questions and from whom are we able to get the right answers. For example, where can we get the courage to encourage our friends and dig into our spiritual resources to be helpful and present. What are the guidelines in being present, spiritually, for a terminally ill friend?

I am addressing is the spiritual perspective of trying to understand the way life works. A small issue, right? I am trying to understand the injustice of extraordinary people suffering to be healthy and often failing. The mystery of it all and the magnitude of its effect multiply as we age. Seemingly healthy friends get sick, suffer and often die. Good careful people with good important lives, healthy at one moment and then sick in the blink of an eye with consequences too varied to be defined.

Now I know that is not how it happens. There is a series of events that occur and in that time we are expected to accept, conquer our fears, be present and helpful, and not personally ache in the presence of those weaker than ourselves. To be caring and hands-on helpful and ‘up’ and all those things that we know we can be, if given the right guidelines.

The right guidelines: A friend asked me recently if it was possible to learn how to be spiritual. I, in my usual positive and helpful manner said “yep”. I explained a few careful words designed to motivate and create safe and quiet space and she was pleased. She promised to send a few more questions my way and she did and seemed satisfied in being able to find solace. I took my own advice and started to think about applying those concepts to my own frequently uneven psyche. It started to work. What I had told her was to go within the content of her religious basic guidelines (a prayer book, a bible, a Torah)and find a few passages, some sweet music that made her soul buzz, her heart easy, and some poetic words, and then to find a quiet space to mingle the three. To picture in her own mind the face of her friend who was sick and imagine her healthy and say a prayer for her to be like that again keeping the image sharp and clear. I tried it. It was helpful but it was not enough. That’s the reality.

The spiritual pieces of healing can be manufactured with a formula and that’s all good. Yet the cement that keeps the spirit and the mind and the body together requires a glue that woman are perfect to manage. The spirit alone is not enough. It is vital but it is not enough. Along with the spirit one needs to supply the physical presence (acceptable by mobile phone or other constant communication), the occasional gifting of chocolate, corned beef sandwiches, a hand held in crisis, and tears shared. It might take time, it might involve sharing a picture of a grandchild or a silly poster or a note or memories shared and recalled. The connection of human beings in times of crisis is an essential beyond our imaginations. Do it when you are confronted by its need and the gift you receive in exchange will give you equal solace.

None of it is easy. To be an errant friend (as one extraordinary friend rallied against recently) is to not be a friend at all. The extra distance is why we are here. As the spirit moves you so you shall be moved.

None of it is easy but all of it is doable and all of it is worth it. The turn-around rewards are a tribute to why we are here. Women can do the distance – it is in our nature!